In about 6 weeks, it’ll be a year since I’ve had a drink.
Written March 28th, 2020. Published May 11th, 2020 – a year since my last drink.
Despite that, I still kept a large amount of alcohol in my basement. This extra time at home has been a good chance to get to the deep house-cleaning, and the re-organization of everything that has perpetually fallen to the bottom of my priority list.
Most of all, it feels symbolic of the inner and emotional work I’ve been doing.
Why did it take me so long to get rid of it?
The surface-level thought is “I put it out-of-sight in the basement, and I didn’t think about it much.” That doesn’t feel like the real answer.
“I wanted to prove to myself that I could keep it around, and maintain my self-control” – that feels more true…and also, bone-headed. I wouldn’t recommend anyone else set up that test for themselves.
“I didn’t feel ready to accept that I’m fully sober now.”
Yep, that’s it. I know because I can feel that land in my gut, and in my heart.
It’s weird to think of myself as sober; it’s weird to see that word written on the screen. Alcohol was a big part of my life for a long time. It was not just a way that I’ve sought both pleasure and relief from pain – it was part of my identity. The thought of removing that crutch, and accepting how I’ve changed, felt scary and overwhelming.
I feel some grief at the loss of a “former self” and the things that felt fun at the time. Thank you, historical Tim, for the ways in which you served me in the past. I’m grateful to release you, and your former relationship with alcohol, as it no longer serves me.
Thankful that I now have the tools and support structures to be present and conscious in processing big feelings. A knowing that this is me moving in a healthy direction.
I feel a deep sense of gratitude for the process, of accomplishment, and of relief.